It is the dawn of the new millennium. On playgrounds everywhere, young girls play pretend. The horse girls play on the blacktop near the jump ropers. They neigh and ride their imaginary rainbow ponies in circles. The girls playing house are near the slide. They have an intricate family tree where best friends are husband-sister-grandma-aunties. Only they seem to understand the family patterns. And then there’s us. Sitting on top of the monkey bars while the teachers gossip. We are the Sailor Scouts. The pretty defenders of love and justice!
We play peacefully, shouting to the heavens “Moon Power! Make-up!” Then we fling some playground mulch at some rogue boys while shouting “Moon, tiara, action!” We are all Sailor Moon. Until....
“We can’t all be Sailor Moon.”
Our play comes crashing to a halt. We look for the source of the words. Of course. It’s her. That Girl. That Girl who would someday be the “it” girl. The second grader that shopped at the GAP while the rest of us still wore discount clothing from J.C. Penny. We didn’t even know cool existed yet, but That Girl had an inkling.
“Besides, I’m the most like Sailor Moon.”
No, bitch. You are the most like Queen Beryl! I wanted to say it, but implied dibs applied to this situation. The unspoken code of playground law said that if you were the first to speak it out loud, you had official dibs until you decided to give up your claim. You could keep the role of Sailor Moon forever!
Now, I was lucky. I had curly blonde hair and blue eyes. That Girl appointed me to be Sailor Venus. Operating with the official power of Moon Princess, That Girl divvied up the roles. We resumed our play again, but with a little less gusto, each a little disappointed that We weren’t the ones special enough to be Moon Princess.
Today, it’s been almost 20 years since we were given our roles. Sailor Moon is back, thanks to Hulu, but everywhere I look on social media, I see it.
FACEBOOK: “Lol, I’m totally Sailor Moon.”
INSTAGRAM: Picture: My homegirl doing a perfect cosplay of Sailor Moon. Caption: Moon Tiara Action!
TEXT MESSAGE: So I’m watching Sailor Moon, and I’ve realized! I’m totally SAILOR MOON.
And now I’m That Girl. I’m the one who’s thinking, “WE CAN’T ALL BE SAILOR MOON!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. Everyone should feel free to be the Sailor Scout that’s truly reflective in their hearts. But have you re-watched Sailor Moon?
Remember Usagi Tsukino? Remember when she found out she was A TOTAL BADASS SAILOR SCOUT put on this earth to DEFEND LOVE AND JUSTICE?
Yeah, she was kind of super whiny about it. Usagi wasn’t a role model for standing in your power. Usagi wanted to chase down her crushes, avoid danger, and run away from the truth of what she was called to be.
And okay, yes. We’ve ALL been Sailor Moon at some point in regards to that. But is that who we should aspire to be? So here’s my pitch on the other Sailor Scouts, and yes, I will include the traits of Sailor Moon in this pitch, but I want you to really look at yourself, examine yourself, and ask. Am I Sailor Moon? Or am I Sailor Someone Else?
SAILOR MOON:
Name: Usagi Tsukino
Sign: Cancer
Blood-Type: O
Why she’s a desirable character: She’s the MAIN CHARACTER! The secret MOON PRINCESS. And she’s BLONDE, wears her hair in space buns, and was the first Sailor Scout we got to watch transform. AND HAVE YOU SEEN THAT TRANSFORMATION? Seriously, it’s super mesmerizing, and I never get tired of watching her become Sailor Moon.
Playground desirability: This is THE GIRL you want to be. The HBIC of the playground ALWAYS got to play her. And you desperately wanted a turn.
Today’s desirability: I think you should take time to reconsider your desire to be her. The other scouts can actually SHOOT the ELEMENTS out of their bodies. Sailor Moon gets cooler powers as the show goes on, but to start out her main talent is THROWING HER TIARA LIKE A FREAKIN BOOMERANG. Usually after she is reminded by her cat, Luna, to throw it because she has a magic tiara. If you do desire to be her, then you’re a leader at heart, and want to be the protagonist of your own life. I respect that.
Bonus: She definitely gets to date mega-hunk Tuxedo Mask. But girl, do you really need a man to rescue you? Or are you attached to your identity of Damsel in Distress? Why don’t you save yourself? Or trust that your girls got your back?
Now, I’m not discounting that Sailor Moon is an everyday girl that’s been thrust into greatness, and she’s struggling to deal with that. I get it! And we all feel that way sometimes.
But let’s strap on our big girl titties and transform into someone totally underrated like:
SAILOR MERCURY:
Name: Ami Mizuno
Sign: Well since she’s Mercury she’s either Gemini or Virgo, but let’s be real, this girl has MAJOR Virgo Vibes.
Blood-Type: Ya girl has major A vibes.
Playground desirability: She was the LAST girl divvied up. Nobody wanted to be her. She had blue short hair and computer programming powers?!? Not fun.
Today’s desirability: THIS GIRL IS A FREAKIN’ BOSS. Super smart!? AND she can program? She’s totally an alpha-babe programmer working for a major tech company and raking in that CA$H. Mercury rules the mind. Communication. Smarts.
I mean our lives are totally screwed up whenever Mercury goes into retrograde.
Not to mention this girl is like SCREW THE PATRIARCHY, I’m chopping all my hair off and dying it BLUE. She does what she wants, owns her personal definition of beauty, and she’s modest to boot.
Bonus: She has pretty cool powers. She uses a mean bubble mist that makes her a great team player, setting up her other hoes to take the kill strike. Also, that Aqua Harp? That’s Mercury - seems gentle and angelic at first until she KICKS YOUR ASS.
Speaking of Kick-Ass, I think the most Kick-Ass character is definitely:
SAILOR MARS:
Name: Rei Hino
Sign: Aries, but I’m betting this girl’s moon is in Scorpio
Blood-Type: She seems AB to me. This is why she and Usagi initially can’t stand each other.
Playground desirability: Pretty high. She’s one of the main trio, and very pretty. Usually, one of the pretty brunettes claimed her to play. (I’d like to take a moment to personally apologize to brunettes everywhere that for whatever reason, brunettes never got to be HBIC status like the blondes did. Freakin’ dumb American beauty standards!)
Today’s desirability: Mars should have been HEAD BITCH IN-CHARGE. She’s so FREAKIN’ COOL. She’s got what it takes to BURN DOWN THE PATRIARCHY!
Bonus: She can shoot fire out of her finger-guns. And I’ve always admired a girl with a fiery soul. Also this girl can predict the future. So she’s totally running her own astrology/tarot business. Her spirit animal is a crow so she’s magic AF, and oh yeah. SHE CAN EXORCISE DEMONS. Now that’s a handy power.
I love Sailor Mars.
Now for another badass brunette:
SAILOR JUPITER:
Name: Makoto Kino
Sign: Jupiter rules Sagittarius, but with Jupiter’s earth energy and her strong self-sufficiency, she’s got major Capricorn vibes.
Blood-Type: Seems A.
Playground desirability: This was not a bad hand to be dealt, though usually one of the last characters picked. Almost always went to the mom-friend or the quiet girl. Once you became her, you were never seen without a ponytail.
Today’s desirability: Mom friends EVERYWHERE are getting the credit they deserve. Personally, I’m one of those girls that desperately needs a mom friend everywhere I go. Sailor Jupiter is the ULTIMATE FEMINIST. She’s both soft and strong. She’s nurturing but she will FUCK YOU UP. And she’s got great gardening skills. All my down-to-earth friends, please consider Sailor Jupiter for your patron scout.
Bonus: THIS GIRL HAS B.C.E. (Big! Clit! Energy!) This girl is a daughter of Zeus and brings the THUNDER. Not only is she super strong, but she can SUMMON LIGHTNING FROM THE SKY. She’s like a lesbian-love child of Storm and She-Hulk. Also color scheme-wise, this girl’s green and pink ensemble is adorbs. I want rose earrings like her!
And last, but not least, my personal fave…
SAILOR VENUS:
Name: Minako Aino
Sign: Venus rules Libra - which makes sense with Love and Beauty, but this girl’s ascending is probably a Leo. She’s got major starpower.
Blood-Type: Totally O like Usagi.
Playground desirability: She’s totally second dibs. If you can’t be Sailor Moon, you WANT to be Sailor Venus.
Today’s desirability: Now, personality-wise, I’m undeniably Sailor Venus, but she’s another Sailor Scout you might want to reconsider stanning. She’s definitely the most annoying Sailor Scout. Usually because she’s always boasting about her beauty to the other scouts who just get fed up. However, you can also spin that to say: girl is not afraid to take up space, and CONFIDENCE IS SEXY. Sailor Venus has goals and will stop at nothing to attain them. She’s got major star-power. She may be boy crazy, but girl is just embracing her sexuality. Women have reclaimed Ho-dom for good now.
Bonus: Sailor V is the O.G. She was fighting evil before any of the other girls awakened. Her powers are also dope. Light-magic is a super handy power. She can also disguise herself like Usagi. In today’s world she’s totally a mega-pop star fighting to bring the man down. (TaySwift has major Sailor V vibes.) And don’t kink shame this girl, or she’ll whip you with the Venus Love-Me Chain. She’s a total hottie.
*~*Okay, so I know there are other Sailor Scouts out there, but right now I’m focusing on the original 5. And if none of the Sailor Scouts speak to you, there are SO MANY CELESTIAL BODIES in the UNIVERSE. Write your own Sailor Scout.*~*
The important thing is to search your heart and let your true Sailor Scout to shine from within. What are your super-special powers that nobody else has? What about you drives the other Sailor Scouts crazy?
We can’t all be Sailor Moon. You should be Sailor You.
(And if you got to the bottom of this entire list, and read all the options and are still like I’m TOTALLY SAILOR MOON. Then damn girl* you probably are. Sailor Moon is super stubborn. But hey, that ain’t always a bad thing!)
*or guy or person, anyone of any gender can be a Sailor Scout.
Hayley Daniels is fighting evil by moonlight and writing scripts by daylight. She’s currently an MFA Screenwriting candidate at the University of Texas at Austin. Follow her on Twitter @ThatsHAYlarious
And stay tuned for more posts like…
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We Can’t All Be Human… some of us were born without belly-buttons and that’s OK!